The (Not So) Pretty Pictures
As a blogger, we read a lot of blogs, and am on Facebook a lot to promote our work. We love to see how other moms are spending their days as a way to find people facing the same things we do from day to day. But there is one big thing a lot of people don't talk about.
They talk about their solid decor, the fabulous developmental activities for kids, how solid their hair looks, or how beautiful their cookies are. They show smiling faces, never have clutter in the background, and are seemingly solid at… EVERYTHING.
Oh, and their kids are angels, they sit down for dinner, are doing long division in preschool and wear perfectly pressed outfits because they are the BEST. MOTHERS. EVER.
We're not.
If we've ever given you that impression, we are sorry.
The truth is, we love our family, we love that we can be home with our kids and help them grow, because we are truly blessed to be in a position to do so when not every mom can and We don't know that being a stay at home mom is meeting our best potential or that frankly, we are any good at it. We have often thought that the thing we yearned for (having children), dreamed about, and frankly always wanted (even more than being married), we are not built for. We manage, our kids are happy, healthy, thriving and we couldn't possibly love them more or want to be around them more- but we don't think it comes naturally for us.
We yell, we cry, we lose our temper, we sit them in front of the tv more than we should, we don't feel like we absorb any information we read about child development in a way that we could put into practical use, we struggle with finding a parenting/discipline style that works well for our kids, and we are even worse as a homemaker, and frankly… we care way too much about our damn self.
For us, at-home motherhood is a weird cycle.
We love our kids more than anything in the world. We stop breathing at the thought of something happening to them. The (few) times we are away from them, we miss them like crazy. We want to know what they are doing. We want to know they are ok. We know that our son is hard to understand but we know his “language” and worry he's unable to communicate without us. We know our daughter is a complete mommy's girl and we worry she is sad not being by our side. We know they are fine (especially since their only babysitters are ever our parents or our inlaws, who our kids love so much they often cry for them and want to be with them nonstop). But **we** am attached to them.
We would never, ever chose anything than to be with them. Not that going back to work isn't a valid option for many women (and one we dream about more than we care to admit)- we can't do it. We had actually planned on returning to work our entire pregnancy. We never, ever thought we would be a stay at home mom. We always thought we would continue to work in politics, and make our way to working in the white house someday.
Except, two weeks before we were supposed to go back to work from maternity leave, we couldn't.
We couldn't leave our baby boy with anyone else. Not only did we think he would be missing the love and support from his mom, but we felt we'd be missing a huge part of our heart. Add another baby to the mix and we feel the same way 100 times over.
And we still feel that way- even as he is in preschool (which he love, love, loves and his teachers are the sweetest, most loving women we've met…) we miss him and wish we were with him.
BUT
(and it's a big but…)
We also struggle with being a stay at home mom. We are sure 90% of moms don't feel like a great mother 100% of the time (or heck, even 50% of the time) but we do wish we'd talk more about it.
It has nothing to do with our kids- whom we love unfailingly- but more with balancing our own expectations and remembering most of what we see from other moms is the “pretty” picture they want us to see. Not the piles of laundry in the corner, timeouts after timeouts, toy avalanches, and to-do lists that go completely ignored for months and years on end so that our kids constantly feel loved and cared for. Yea- our “real picture” is kind of a sh*tstorm.
Our blog has helped because it has allowed us to combine our hobby interests (which every mom needs to have and set aside time for) with our interest in contributing to our family's finances as well as build our own business. People often ask us how we do it all, and we tell them we don't. Really- we don't.
There are piles of laundry sitting to be done. Our loft/craft room is horrifying. It gives our husband and we nightmares. We're slowly decorating our home (only, you know, after 4 1/2 years of living in it) but it feels like everything takes forever (because when you get pregnant basically on your honeymoon and your hubby moved in, it kind of kills your energy).
Seriously people- we go our downstairs to a point of not looking like a frat house. Our upstairs is about 70% de-frat-ized. But we keep up with our blog because it is keeping us sane and actually nourishing the part of us that has been left in the cold- the part that wants to contribute, work at something that we can see tangible results from, and build a business.
Most people who see us in real life know that we tend to be a hot mess. Aside from struggling to find a good solution to some horrible pain from recently discovered (but long suffered) Rheumatoid/Spondylitic Arthritis, we have a hard time holding our family together well. We stay home a lot, we always seem to be running late, we cancel on things often, and get sick about every other day. It takes us about 4 1/2 hours to do something that should take five minutes. Everytime we sit down to post/paint/glue/cook/type- there's a poopy diaper. There's a fight over a toy neither kid actually wants but only wants because the other has it. There's a need to sit on our lap, pounding on the keyboard as we type. There is a kid forcing our laptop shut… nonstop. And there is not enough medicine or booze in the world or hours to sleep at night to stop the headache of it all.
It's getting better as our kids get older, but man- it is tough, and we want everyone to know we are flouncing. Because we are pretty sure there are a ton of other mothers out there who feel like they are the only ones feeling this way….. but…. WE AREN'T. Say that again with us, we aren't alone.
Being a mom is awesome. It's also incredibly difficult (whether you stay at home, work away from home, or work at home. They are all hard, all good, and all exhausting). And we hope it's ok that we shared our frustrations with you, and that you share some of yours so we can all commiserate together!
Our hubby and we have had some long talks, and given how horrible our health is lately, its probably time to get someone a few hours a week to help while we work from home to try to find some kind of balance. We've come to rely on the income our blog and web design has provided to save and get out of debt, and it seems like a solid mix since we WANT to be with our kids, but we cannot do it all.
